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The Ultimate Hub for BPD Support
The Founder's BPD Story
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"I struggle in silence, live a life of shame, and feel hopeless about ever being seen."
-Everyone with BPD
My BPD Roller Coaster Ride
Nicole's BPD Experience
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and chronic pain from autoimmune disorders has been difficult, especially when you also have to suffer through frequent misdiagnoses and incorrect labels. It wasn’t until 9 years ago that I finally received my BPD diagnosis – and despite the daily pain and struggles, the medical debates regarding my autoimmune disorders are ongoing.
Talking to family members and friends about it was incredibly challenging, heartbreaking, and isolating. My norm became enduring a plethora of people skipping all other life possibilities and instead jumping straight to seeing me as psychotic, which I felt most times was unfair and triggering. It was, and is, a constant struggle to explain that BPD is not accurately portrayed in movies and that I am not a monster.
Like many with BPD, I had a tendency to beat myself up for making mistakes, which was detrimental to my well-being. I remained in a constant state of stress and exhaustion from the amount of time spent mirroring others just to appear normal and feel loved and safe. I constantly battle the nagging voice in my head that tells me I am disliked and untrustworthy, even when things seem to be going well. I am constantly second-guessing my behaviors. I am always fearful of offending others because of enduring countless examples of family, friends, romantic partners, etc., having dropped me without explanation. I feel like everyone received the “how to be society-normal” manual except me.
This fear stems from society constantly letting me down and abandoning me, and my heightened sensitivity to sense when someone is being malicious. This is not delusional thinking; individuals with BPD are simply more attuned to the external environment and can read people quickly, even when we ourselves may be out of line.
I used to spend an inordinate amount of time and therapy wondering why family, friends, employers often chose to judge, ostracize, and ignore me – why I wasn’t worthy enough of the effort to understand and support my journey with this disability. And while I can’t speak to the “why” behind how other individuals reacted to me, or the absence of grace shown during periods of crisis, I can speak to the end result, which was always me confused as to why I was so unlovable.
I had to learn how to navigate an unbearable life alone. The challenge to find affordable, accessible, and BPD-specific resources often times made me want to give up. And against all odds, including waking up from a coma, I became a college graduate 3 times over, a business owner, a non-profit founder, and a career and leadership coach - who has helped thousands find their dream jobs. I share a bit of my resume not to brag but to prove recovery is possible.
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My son, my faith, and my fighting spirit led me to create support solutions and curate recovery-focused resources that would help me, and hopefully others like me, manage this illness and advocate for ourselves out in the world.
Whether you use our resources or others, it is important to find help. And if you support someone with BPD, it’s crucial to their recovery that you check in on them and show empathy, even if their reactions seem irrational. Emotional validation is essential for those with BPD, and it is important to remember that we are not monsters.
Nicole's Journal Entries
Listen to my audio journal entries below:
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Idealization & Devaluing example:
The bunny is taking you back to1997
2. Fear of Abandonment example:
The puppy's entry is from 2001
3. Chronic Feelings of Emptiness example:
The fox is recapping a
character - building day in 2008
If you can relate, please record your own journal entries using the recorder below. I look forward to hearing from you!
Can you relate to my BPD experience? Let me know by recording your message below. You just might be a featured guest on our podcast!
TAP / CLICK TO
PLAY / PAUSE
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